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Has this ever happened
to you?
Someone you care
about--a family member, a friend or an
acquaintance - has lost a child and you don't know what to say
or
do to comfort their grief?
As Mother's Day
approaches, even though they are heavy on your heart, your fear and
discomfort drives you into silence and you end up saying and doing
nothing at all.
The
Comfort Company, an online
retailer of unique sympathy gifts, recently conducted a web-based
survey asking grieving mothers, "What
can others say, do or give that would bring you comfort on Mother's
Day?".
Over 80 percent of the
nearly 100 respondents answered, "Recognize that I am a mother" to the
question. In addition, nearly every mother surveyed wanted their loss
to be remembered with a card, a phone call, a gift or a hug. Over half
of the mothers surveyed considered Mother's Day to be their most
difficult holiday.
In response to the heartfelt answers given by the survey participants,
the Comfort Campany has issued a list of the ten things grieving mothers
want most for
Mother's Day:
1. Recognize that they are a
Mother: Offer a hug and a "Happy
Mother's Day". Send a simple Mother's Day card to let them know you
remember that they are a mother even though their child is not with
them physically.
2. Acknowledge that they have
had a loss: Express the message,
"I know this might be a difficult day for you. I want you to know that
I am thinking about you today." Removing the wall of silence gives a
grieving mother permission to talk about her child.
3. Use their child's name in
conversation: Saying the name of
a
child who has died is like music to a grieving mothers ears. One mother
suggested, "Say his name and ask me my fondest memory of him from past
Mother's Days".
4. Plant a living memorial:
This is a wonderful day to plant a
tree or flower bulbs in memory of the child. This is something that
will live on as a beautiful reminder in the years to come.
5. Visit the Gravesite:
Many mothers felt that it was
"extremely thoughtful" when others visited their child's gravesite and
left flowers or a small pebble near the headstone.
6. Light a Candle:
Let the mother know you will light a candle
in memory of their child on Mother's Day.
7. Share a Memory or Pictures
of the Child: Give the precious
gift of a memory. One mother wrote that the "greatest gift you can give
is a heart felt letter about my child and your most lovely moments with
them".
8. Send a Gift of Remembrance:
Many mothers suggested
appropriate gifts of remembrance that would bring them comfort. These
items included: an angel statue, a piece of jewelry, a memory box, a
memorial candle, a picture frame, a library book donation, an ornament,
memorial
poetry, anything personalized with the child's name or a date,
books on grief,
a garden stone or a toy donation in the child's name.
9. Don't try to minimize their
loss: Avoid using any cliches
that attempt to explain the death of a child. ( "God needed another
angel.") Secondly, don't try to find anything positive about the loss (
"You still have two healthy children" or "She's in a better place").
10. Encourage Self-Care:
Self-care is an important aspect of
the "healing the mind and spirit effort" according to several mothers.
Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself. Give her
a
gift certificate to a day spa or any place where she can be pampered
and take her mind off of her grief for an hour or two.
Other articles
in this series
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